How is it that I can fall in love with anyone who shows me the slightest nicety? It is almost as if I enjoy self-sabotage. I must enjoy the countless moods I fall under when I perceive a new beau turn my gentle day into a tempest. I can’t always pinpoint what constantly excites me about every stranger, I meet and why my mind throws a future in their arms, a wild night in the sack, or a lifetime together with them but I feel less with each passing instance of unwarranted desire.
Granted, it is a problem I rarely want or do address because I feel as if it ties it back to my loneliness. No one wants to believe they’re alone on this earth filled with people, but ultimately no one person or thing makes your decisions for you, therefore we are utterly by ourselves. That is the systematically decaying type of thought that I want no part of because life is filled with people who are going through the same things as you are and people who can give you a new perspective on things you have never taken into consideration.
I take that to an extreme and let myself quickly drown in the idea of finding someone and staying by their side. I allow no room for myself and that kills interactions I have with potential friends. Since I fall head over heel first I have to spend an enormous amount of time separating reality from fiction, my wants and desires from what is right in front of me.